This isn’t exactly food, booze, or music related, but it’s too good not to post. I also realize that I’ll probably have more dating scenarios to share so I’ve decided to extend Cocktails into Cock Tales and include men in that category. We’ll also give it to music since I mention a few shows on my calendar.

Here’s the premise. This guy Dave called me to go out on a blind date. He couldn’t even properly identify himself when he called.

“Hi Jordan, I’m Dave, Esther’s cousin. She gave me your number to set us up.”

“Oh, OK,” I said, (My mother often mentions giving my number to some people who “might have a guy for me” so this type of call is never completely unexpected.) “Esther who?”

“Um, I don’t know her maiden name but her married name is ___ .” (something I had never heard of…)

“OK, well there’s my mother’s friend, Esther Goodman?”

“No”

“There’s my friend here in LA who just got married, Esther Weinberg?”

“No.”

“Well those are the only Esthers I know, unless it’s my dead Grandma Esther?  Or are you from Purim?!?!”

“No, I’ll find out from her, in the meantime, do you want to grab a drink when you’re in NYC?”

So I generously agreed to an earlyish drink on the Friday I get to town. We would firm up plans closer to the date. Now, when I’m being set up, I am happy to meet with anyone you’re suggesting… but for a drink, or a coffee, or something quick. You don’t get my entire evening unless I’ve already met you. That’s how these blind set ups work!

The following is a word for word transcription of our text message exchange that started the night before we were supposed to meet. For the first time!! (I think I dodged a bullet.)

Hi Jordan,
It’s David Rosenschweig (Esther Elmer’s* cousin) we spoke on the phone a few wks ago. Are we on 4 2mrrow nite as per our conversation assuming ur in town? (* turns out said Esther was a year ahead of me in high school, hadn’t spoken to her since. Her brother is my year and my mother knew their mother and recently ran into her in the city.)

Yes.  Do you want to meet at bar jamon at 7pm? 17th and Irving.

Sure. Jamon is fine, can u do 08:00pm? Looking fwd to meeting you

I’m going to see God Street Wine at Irving at 8.

Ok, How about we make it for Sat. Nite?

I’m busy sat night but could get coffee sat afternoon. Noonish.

Saturday I’m busy till late afternoon.
How long are you in town for?

10 days.
What time do u get out of work? I can do Monday before 8pm.

Great, would you like to meet grab a drink any evening except Tues.(I’ve got class/wrkshop) when you won’t be “double booked” or have a nxt appt. An hour?

What time do u get out of work? I can do Monday before 8pm.

I won’t know depends on how the day goes each appt. Is different some days 6, 7pm plus by the time I walk my dog 07:00 is not realistic.

How about a coffee during lunch one day?
Or on Monday u are welcome to meet me at city winery at 8pm. Seeing calexico.

Jordan, I’d like to meet u, & am willing to meet u any evening excpt one(Tues.nite) despite that u double booked our date set 3-4 wks ago. Let me kw.

I didn’t double book our date. I was planning to meet you tonight at 7. Don’t think meeting up is going to work. Sorry.

And u communicated that you’d have 1hr 7pm-8pm to meet when? I get that ur time’s limited. Don’t make up ur own version of events its silly. Good luck to you.

Please don’t contact me again. Tx.

Plse never contact me again.

— Last names have been altered for privacy purposes